If You Can't Beat 'Em. . .

"Hey, Cuz, where's your dog?

"He disappeared soon after I moved here to Florida. Then I got me a little wiener dog; named him Hotdog. He lasted about 3 weeks. A litte mongrel half-terrier was next. Lasted only a week and a half, though.

I asked the lady at the local grocery if they had alligators here in Jacksonville. She said "Yep; pert near everyone does, whether they want 'em or not."

"Good Grief, Billy boy! Looks like you had a serious am-phiby-us reptile problem. What did you do?

"Wa-a-l, I figured I needed the biggest, meanest dog that walked this green earth. So I got me a pit bull name of Mr. Teeth.

He worked out great.

Heard a ruckus one afternoon, and when I looked out the window he was chasing this little 'gator a barkin' and a growlin' somethin' fierce. As he was about to chomp that scaly critter, it slid under the fence and down into the canal just as Mr. Teeth hit the end of his chain. WHANG!

That woulda broke a lesser dog's neck. As it was, it just made Mr. Teeth angrier and meaner. Somebody's poodle wandered into the yard just then and 'ol Teeth grabbed him; shook him like a rag doll, broke his little neck, and bit off his head.

I figured I got me the right dog now! Big, mean, and vicious. Chases alligators. Right!

Turns out I was a mite premature in my satisfaction. One night I heard a furious snapping, snarling, & barking.

Then silence.

I quick grabbed a flashlight, my shotgun, and a handful of shells and turned on the porch light.

Dang! Where's my dog? I walked out where Mr. Teeth was supposed to be. All I found was the heavy-duty chain with his dog collar on the end. No dog. Just the collar.

And it had teeth marks on it; big teeth marks, Homer."

"So, no more pets for you, huh, Billy?"

"Oh, no! I got a pet. He's out in the back yard, Homer. Ain't he a beaut?"

"You got a dang ALLIE-GATOR for a pet?!

"Sure do, Homer. Can't keep a dog around here so I domesticated me an alligator. Raised him from a tadpole. He don't bark and he keeps the prowlers away."

"Well, I'll be . . . What's his name him, Billy?"

"Fido."